As you may have heard before, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  In this case, you have already taken that by coming here.  With religious recovery, this first step is often the most difficult because of the way religions teach so much fear about leaving.  So, first of all, congratulations for having some courage.  Like many others, you are trying to be true to yourself and find your own way.   We hope to support you here in thinking for yourself and trusting your own feelings.  We do not have any new belief system to promote.

Often people have intense feelings of confusion, grief, anxiety, and anger as they let go of a harmful religion. Full recovery can be difficult if the issues are not clear and you feel alone in the struggle. At the same time, you can feel enormous relief and liberation, especially if you have support.

As a “recovering fundamentalist” myself, and with years of experience working with people coming out of many dogmatic religious traditions, I have written a self-help book called Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion.

I’ve found that there are some aspects of recovery that are common to many people going through the deconversion process.  These are not hard and fast “stages” that mean everyone goes through each one or in this order.   However, you may find it helpful in understanding your recovery as a process that builds and takes time, with needs and feelings that change.   This is an overview, and individual pages of the website will deal with each area.

1.   Recognizing problems. This is when you start to get it that your religion is not really working for you.  It’s not making sense intellectually, it’s not paying off emotionally, or you see moral problems with it.  This early stage is hard because dogmatic systems do not let go easily and there is a cycle of abuse as you get blamed for the problems.   Your doubts and questions feel dangerous because you haven’t been allowed to think for yourself.  Yet you have to start getting honest.

2.   Considering deconversion. Finally, the problems get to be too much and you want to stop forcing everything to fit.  It’s important not to panic and understand that the fear is just part of the phobia indoctrination, a self-serving part of the religion telling you terrible things will happen to you if you leave.  So read some deconversion stories and calm down, you will be fine.  When you look at the world as it really is, facing reality will help you get your life on track.

3.   Getting new information. Do everything you can to educate yourself.  You are free to read, watch videos, and expose yourself to all the knowledge in the world – history, philosophy, science, psychology, and other religions.  In particular, learn about the origins of your religion and scripture, such as how the Bible was put together and early church history.  Having a look from an unbiased viewpoint can be pretty eye-opening.

4.   Finding emotional help. Healing from toxic religion is not just intellectual.  It goes deep into your emotional and psychological make-up, especially if you were taught as a child.  So don’t be surprised if you have a gap between what you know in your head and what you feel in your gut.  You can reject a belief in hell for example and still have nightmares.  So get support in any way you can – from online forums, groups, or therapists that understand.  We have some resources on this site.  And be careful about what you may have been told about the evils of psychology or getting secular help.
5.   Healing. It’s important to give yourself time to process your feelings and learn how to trust yourself.  You will probably need to deal with many emotions, such as anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness, and grief.  If you do the work to get healthy and mature, eventually your wounds will heal.  You will feel stronger, able to love and take care of yourself.

6.   Building a new life . Letting go of a religious worldview means you have to rethink who you are and what life is about.  You also have to rebuild most of your life structure such as social networks, work, and family relationships.  Part of this will be dealing with the way family and friends react to the changes in you.  In general, you will have to take responsibility for your own choices instead of depending on the religion or God’s will for guiding your life.   This is also exciting of course, because you are now in the world with many options and it’s ok to think for yourself.

7.   Joining the world.

This is where you accept that this world is your home, you are part of the earth.  Humanity is your family and you can take part in the human drama.  Instead of waiting for the hereafter, you can derive meaning from being involved in larger concerns such as caring for the environment or social change.  As you let go of expecting God to take care of all the problems, you can join others to make the world a better place here and now.  You can see that we are all interconnected and you can enjoy relationships with other people without the need to judge.

8.   Reclaiming joy and self-expression.

As you relax about being part of this earth, you learn to enjoy pleasure and being present.  You realize you don’t have to earn the right to exist, you are just like other animals.  Your sensory experiences are delightful, your body is great, and sex is good.  You find all the ways to appreciate nature.   Joyful living also comes from being creative, and this is exciting to discover.  God is not the only creator, so you can sing and dance and paint and do whatever you like to simply express yourself.  It’s ok to simply enjoy being alive.

Note:  An earlier version of this overview can be seen in 2 videos from one of my Release and Reclaim recovery retreats at http://www.youtube.com/user/trapezedance#p/u/4/ky04u8kPZqA and  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFU2VVW5SLM